Beth Moore "So Long Insecurity" week 1 blog take 1.
When the word insecurity pops up in conversations I don't know about you but I get just a little bit light headed, my palms get clammy, and I start to try to find a way out of the conversation, maybe "I'll be right back I have to use the restroom" and then just running for the closets exit, or "I think I left my stove on, I'll be right back" and so on and so forth. As you can now tell I do not like to talk about insecurities, however I cannot think of anyone person who does.
So why in the world would I not only read a book that forces me to take a closer look at why I have the insecurities I have, but why blog about them? Oddly other than to learn about myself and see where this takes me I don't have a clue. I am sitting here already starting to think of all the reasons I can give in a few weeks when I have gotten myself nice and deep into this book and am now no longer happy putting it all out there. I know, I know, it's never good when you haven't even started something yet you are looking for a way out.
With all that said I am actually looking forward to all this and cannot wait to get started! I cannot lie, I really started this book about a month ago but due to random things and well just my extreme laziness I have been putting it off and putting it off. I have gone back and forth over email with a close friend of mine who is also reading the book talking about our answers to the different questions, and I have really enjoyed it. Getting to read her answers has been something truly special and now I am just wondering what other people have to say about some of the questions. So here I am sharing mine in hopes of hearing yours, and well even if no one feels the need to share or reads this blog I at least will have learned a little bit more about myself.
I guess the best place to start is with some questions I found online. I also stumbled across a blog that goes along with the book (http://blog.lproof.org/2010/02/so-long-insecurity-week-one-2.html) that I am using as a guideline. I will be reading her Week One Blog entry and answer the questions. Please keep in mind that I am not a writer and the answers will not be all pretty and poetic like. Anyways here are the answers to some questions I found on some other blog, and sadly have lost the link to.
1. In which areas do you feel the most insecure: [Circle the top two]
**I know it says to pick two but really there are so many to pick from.
Body Image – what woman fully loves her body? I am happy with mine but would love to lose a few pounds, would love to have fewer pimples, would love to have thicker hair, so on and so forth. Humm doesn’t sound like I am jumping up and down with joy about my body now does it? I have always felt cute, pretty and been told I have a great smile, and I believe those things to be true, so all in all I just want to be in better shape and a little less flabby. Oddly that is something I can control and fix.
Personality – for the most part I believe if someone is going to like you they are going to like you for your personality, well unless you are rich and famous and then they will like you for what you can give them not what you are. I have always been pretty happy for my personality. I can be a little bit of a pain, I can be moody, and I can throw a pity part like the best of them but hey I am me and I am happy about that.
Talents – I have many hobbies, and may things I want to learn how to do, yet I do not feel like there is much I am good or well “talented” at.
Intellect – when I put my mind to things for the most part I will do them, but for the most part I don’t feel like I am the brightest crayon in the box. Yet again this is something I can change if I just work at it. I won't lie thought I HATE it when my students ask me a question because I am the teacher and just think I know all the answers to everything, like why is it P.E. when it is short for Physical Education teacher, umm because English is confusing....I don't know....because the P is silent?
Spiritual matters – everyone wants to feel closer to God, it takes work and I just need to put in the time and effort.
Professional accomplishments – I am young and I am quite happy with my haphazardly landing a job in Korea teaching English.
Your Family – I love my family, really can’t say there is anything I would change about it to be any happier.
Your past – it is what it is; dwelling on it won’t change anything.
Your grades/education – I graduated in 3.5 years from a 4 year school, it sucked but I did it and now I am done with a degree to show for my hard work.
Friendships – I have learned that friends come and go, and over the past year I have seen a lot of them go, but I have also found out which of my friends are true friends.
Fitting in/belonging – I always wanted to fit in, always tried to do as others do, but now that I am older and out of school I see that I was not helping myself at all, and I was not being true to myself. It is not about how many people like you but that you like yourself.
Your looks – please just go up and look at body image.
Aging – I feel like I am getting old but hey if you’re not ageing your dead and I would rather be getting old than dead any day.
2. On your last trip to the grocery store, what did you notice about the magazine covers?
I would have to say that I look at the people first, well unless there is a nice big old chocolate cake on the front and then I see nothing but chocolate goodness, and what they are wearing, how their makeup looks, how their hair is done, are they toned, are they tanned and do they look perfect or not. For the most part unless there is an article about “Dropping 10 Pounds’ or “Eat This Not That” ect I don’t pay much attention. I honestly couldn’t tell you who is dating who, or who is having a baby or who is in rehab and so on and so forth. Oh I always find myself wondering how in the world they couples on the covers can fake such happiness or love and I wonder what they are thinking at the exact moment the photo is taken.
3. Judging from their headlines, has beauty or fame seemed to make anyone exempt from failures, relationship break-ups or bad choices?
Since the answer is so obvious, why do we continue to place such a premium on looks, wealthy, fame and broad spectrum acceptance?
Yes we all know the answer to the first half of the question is going to be no, maybe that it has even messed up their lives and only added to their destruction and harmed them.
When it comes to the second part of the question I cannot help but think that everyone wants to be part of a group, to belong, to be over all accepted, and yes I know that is not deep at all and just a proven point for the most part. So well what do I think then? That is a good question. I guess we all think that we have a better change of friendships, love, happiness, ect if we have the right look, wealth, and fame. Well then that makes me ask myself what the standard is to judge all of those things? Who gets to say what is pretty? Who gets to say what wealth is? Who gets to say what fame is? We all like to think it is whatever we want it to be, but at the same time the media, our friends, and just about every outside force tells us what they think standards are and there for their standards kind of become our standards. So what do we do? Well I know that I for the most part just follow the group and try my best to fit in. Now I am asking myself what happens if I don't fit in? Will everything be as lonely as I think it would? Would I be happy? Would life go on?
Sadly it is not just friends that we try to impress with our looks. When you go to seek employment you need to have the look. Employers are looking for people who look clean cut, nicely dressed, and put together. This all also takes into account weight, people don't think you are "put together" or "hard working" or "motivated" if you are overweight or come in dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. So am I now a bad person because I want friends and need a job? No, but am I myself? Or am I trying to find acceptance where I do not need it?
We don't need to have millions of dollars to be wealthy, this is one thing I know. I am a big fan of the love, happiness, family, fun, and memories kind of wealth. At the same time we do need money to live, but then what is the right amount of how much we need to live? As I look around and think about what is a need and what is a want I find that I have many wants, and very few needs, and all my needs are being met so when it is enough? Is it enough for me now? I am happy, I am safe. But how much do I need to have of my wants to be accepted by other people? What gives those people the right to look at what I have and say it is not good enough? Why do I feel the need to try to compete my friends or even people I do not know to impress them or make them "envy" me? I know I should not envy anyone and I know I should not want them to envy me.
*Don’t get me wrong I am a big fan of working hard to enjoy what I have and living how I want to live, nice and comfortably. I don’t think there is nothing wrong with working hard for money and being proud of it.*
Fame well I really don't have much to say about fame. I have never wanted to be famous, I have never wanted everyone to know me, talk about me, or want to be me. I more or less kind of like to keep to myself and fame would mess that all up. I mean I don't even like to have too many friends, I know you can't have too many friends but I want true friends not fake friends that would come with fame.
Ok so I have lost myself in thought now and don’t think I accomplished anything here right now other than rambling and telling myself (and you) things I already know.
4. Be honest for a moment. From what things or people do you seek your security?
I don’t know if I like this one, and I think I might have to come back to it in a few chapters, but I would say that I seek my security from my family, my boy friend and a few close friends. I have always had my family to fall back on and they have always been there for me throughout my good and bad decisions. I cannot lie Ryan is also becoming a big part of my security. There is always that fear that one day my family will be gone. I went through it with my grandmother 2 years ago, who ever knew she was going to die? I surely didn't in my mind she was going to be around forever to fix everything. Oh and the big answer, God! He has always also been there asnwering some prayers and handing things how he sees fit. I just always have to remember that he knows best and that what I always want and pray for is not what is his plan for me.
5. In the introduction to the book, Beth Moore talks about the victim mentality we women sometimes have.
Without a lot of thought I would have to say that yes to this question. For starters and for a brief moment I must admit that I have a very active imagination and can often find a conspiracy theory in just about everything where I or this past year Ryan and I are the ones someone is out to get, when really it may partly be us that is the problem to. Now back to a more normal conversation, yes I feel “we women” for the most part like to say that most of our problems are due to other people. Our job stinks because of……my life is not going well because of……we have so many reasons for all the things that go on in our life but almost never take the blame ourselves. So let’s see if I can change that starting now, or well change a little bit about it I am not jumping to take the blame for everything now. Ok let’s start with why it has taken me so long to start this book, I could blame it on my job and say I work all the time, but come on I know I come home every night and veg out in front of the T.V. or my laptop. I sadly have to say the same thing about why I have gained weight, I could say that the food in Korea is just that amazing and I don’t have time to work out, but yet again it is about me being lazy and not making the time. And both of those answers right there are also why my closet is in such a mess with clothes everywhere and why my apartment is slightly chaotic, or why I have yet to learn Korean or improve on my English. So on and so forth the list could go on and on, so far blaming it on other people or random things like work or time has gotten me nowhere so it looks as if that “victim mentality” of everyone is out to get me and that it is never my fault is not working out or me too well.
And for the last question of the night:
6. Do you believe Beth’s assertion that most every woman experiences insecurities to some degree or another? Why or why not?
I would have to say yes, because well I know I cannot be the only one out there who feels this way. Yea that answer needs work still, it is a little blah and I won’t lie I didn’t put too much thought into it.
Ok well after those long answers I hope you are still interesting in what else I have to say along the way. I am looking forward to this week and seeing what I can get into what hopefully have some break though thoughts that might be a little deeper than those from today.
I am not one to shove God in anyone’s face because I believe we all believe in something and I choose to believe in God. I love God and am hoping to grow closer to him as I do this study but I am by no means am a perfect Christian or anywhere near one, nor will I ever claim to be so please do not judge me or Christians for that matter on things I blog about, or the answers I give. I do not want this blog to be a God blog once a week; I more or less just want to share my answers and thoughts to a book that happens to be a bible study. I am more or less doing this as a self study and may or may not bring God into a lot of it.
My year in Korea has shown me a lot about Christians and how the rest of the world sees “American Christians”. Oddly it is now the biggest religion in Korea yet they do it with more of a Buddhist twist with how they treat people and see things. I do not have a perfect life nor will I ever try to get you to believe I do. I make many mistakes and that is what makes me human.
I hope if you are not a believer in God you can still feel comfortable reading this and my answers and maybe even learn something about yourself and your own personal insecurities.
If you are a believer in God please pray that I don't wimp out half way though this blog!