Monday, December 12, 2011


I really am not too sure how personal I get on here from day to day. Some days I think I get a little deeper into things then maybe I should, and other days I think I do too many random post about blog challenges. I more or less suck at getting my thoughts and feelings out there most of the time on anything personal because I worry how it comes off, or how I sound, or if I said something right, or if I look weak, or like a mean person, or blah blah blah.

Tonight I just want to say that every now and then life sucks. Like really kicks you when you’re down sucks.

For many years my grandfather (papa) has been sick. When I was younger he had a heart attack, they gave him maybe 6 years. When I was a little older he had to have part of his lung removed. Then in high school he started having strokes, then in college he had another bad stroke, and so on and so forth. He more or less always bounced back, we thought he was invincible and just too stubborn to leave this world.

After my grandma passed we were really worried he would go shortly after not knowing what to do without her. He did ok but his dementia seemed to progress rather quickly and a year or so ago he was placed in a home, then moved around a bit, then found one that seemed to be a good fit. Sadly I could talk about all the things wrong with nursing homes, the staff makes good money, they knew what they were going into when they signed up for the job, and they know when they are doing something wrong or just aren’t doing something they should be doing, like taking good care of the people as if they were their own family. That is not the point of this post (really if you are wondering what the point is...maybe we will get there maybe not...who knows...I don't).

I guess the point is that today we all learned that he is not in fact invincible, that he maybe just not as stubborn as we all thought he was, or that he was just sick of this world and finally let go. Either way one of the strongest, and best men I know is now gone. He always went above and beyond to be one hell of a grandfather and.....well I really just don't know what to say.

I have never been good at these kinds of things. I have lost a dog and a guinea pig as far as pets go and both of those were tuff. I have lost great grandparents but I was young. A few years ago I lost my grandmother almost out of the blue to cancer (she made it 3 months) and I have to say it really sucked to lose her. I kind of thought that losing grandpa wouldn't be so sucky. You know because my whole life I had been ready to lose him because of, well just everything he had already been through (and I only named a few). Yet today when I heard the news he was in the hospital with congestive heart failure and maybe pneumonia I just couldn't really digest it. Then I went to work a little before 10:30 to start my day and just was kind of...avoiding it. Then Ryan called me and asked if I called him from the house....this didn't feel right. Then I started pushing to know if I needed to ask off of work and what days and it finally came out that sometime between 10 and 10:30...I guess sometime on my drive to the mall grandpa passed. I don't know if it is because I was still stuck at work till at least 9 that I just became numb, and a throbbing headache set in. My boss is amazing and all day long just kept telling me she loved me as I think she waited for me to bust in the tears but I held it together. I just didn't think about it....that makes it not real right? Sadly if only I was 5 and this was the monster in my closet. Damn if I am not 24 and this is real life.

When I got home Ryan came over to see how I was, help me pack, and find out what he needs to do the next few days to help take care of the dog and house sit. He really is a sweet heart some times and I love him dearly for it. Sadly as Ryan went to leave all the sudden I started to feel really alone. My mom had already left to fly to MI today and tomorrow (or well today now) my dad and brother will leave to drive up. I know I have a great family and boyfriend who loves and cares deeply for me but two of people who take up some of the best memories of my childhood are gone. Suddenly I am 5 again and just want to hug my mom and cry and cry and cry. Sadly I know crying doesn’t fix anything, but it still feels kind of good to just let it all out.

Life sometimes sucks....however I don't know if it would be any better just because I had a "real" (or non part time retail) job and was being a big girl out on my own in the world...nope I still think it would suck just as bad.

Ok so wow I worry this makes no logical sense but it's personal. I really cannot wait to get to Michigan to be with my mom. I feel ripped off because I lost both my grandparents, they were such a huge part of my life and there is still so much I wish they could be around for. My mom lost both of her parents, and that is a feeling I hope I don’t have to learn to deal with any time soon. My mom is a very strong woman but I know she still is going to need lots of hugs, and a shoulder to cry on so I just hope that maybe this week I can be there for her.

1 comment:

Steph said...

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.